1 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,994 {\an8}All right. 2 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,997 {\an8}We have come to the final unit here in health class-- 3 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,749 {\an8}sexual education. 4 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,667 {\an8}Now, this is mature subject matter, 5 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,503 {\an8}and I expect you all to handle it with maturity 6 00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:47,130 {\an8}like the young adults you are becoming. 7 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,882 {\an8}I'm scared, Teddy. 8 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,551 {\an8}What if he shows us a diagram of a vagina and I get a boner? 9 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,720 {\an8}Hey, you're getting a boner before this class ends, buddy. 10 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,555 {\an8}The sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. 11 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:59,184 {\an8}Sexual intercourse is a physical expression 12 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,687 {\an8}of love and affection that is perfectly natural 13 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:03,980 {\an8}and often deadly. 14 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,608 {\an8}Sexually transmitted diseases include 15 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,486 {\an8}gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, 16 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,113 {\an8}HPV, hepatitis A through C-- 17 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,994 {\an8}Ted, knock it off! 18 00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,080 {\an8}See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. 19 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791 {\an8}To avoid sexually transmitted disease, 20 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:25,418 {\an8}it is important to practice safe sex. 21 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:29,756 {\an8}Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is? 22 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,259 {\an8}No one? 23 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,427 {\an8}Masturbation. 24 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,137 {\an8}Hey, if you're gonna assign homework, 25 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,430 {\an8}Johnny already did it this morning. 26 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,598 {\an8}Hey, shut the fuck up, dude! 27 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,392 {\an8}- He's doing extra credit. - Be quiet! 28 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,893 {\an8}Stop it! 29 00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:43,728 {\an8}You keep that up, you're headed for detention, mister. 30 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:47,315 {\an8}Now, why is it important to practice safe sex? 31 00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:51,111 {\an8}Well, it all begins with biology. 32 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,862 {\an8}- Aw, here we go. - Let's start 33 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:56,950 {\an8}with the female reproductive system. 34 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,243 {\an8}Oh, no. 35 00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,286 {\an8}Holy shit. That's fast, even for you. 36 00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,416 {\an8}Well, I'm glad that's over, huh? 37 00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:06,960 {\an8}I know, that was like sex ed for babies. 38 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,044 {\an8}What? 39 00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,337 {\an8}I mean, you're really gonna talk 40 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,548 {\an8}about masturbation and leave out edging? 41 00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,466 {\an8}Seriously. He didn't even talk about 42 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,469 {\an8}how massaging the prostate increases orgasm intensity. 43 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,054 {\an8}Did you see how when I brought up rimming, 44 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,723 {\an8}he flipped to the glossary? 45 00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,391 {\an8}- Wait, you t-- 46 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,143 {\an8}you two have had sex? 47 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,310 {\an8} No. 48 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,979 {\an8}I'm felching my own jizz. 49 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,689 {\an8}Pfft! Duh, we're 16. 50 00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:28,732 {\an8}When? With who? 51 00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,525 {\an8}A few weeks ago, with each other. 52 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,193 {\an8}We didn't want to be the last ones in school 53 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:33,278 {\an8}to lose our virginity. 54 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,320 {\an8}Oh, yeah. 55 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,822 {\an8}No. Right, of course. 56 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,490 {\an8}How--how lame would that be, right? 57 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,659 {\an8}Wow, I didn't even know you two guys were dating. 58 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,119 {\an8}Andrew, I thought you were gay. 59 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,579 I don't know. Might be. 60 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,497 I just know I'm not a fucking loser. 61 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:46,708 You're so confident. I love it. 62 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,293 Let's go to the computer room. 63 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,920 We can do it on the Oregon Trail. 64 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,673 Holy shit, Teddy, do you know what this means? 65 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,550 I'm the last virgin in school. 66 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,760 What about Ben Carness? 67 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,136 No, he slept with his math teacher. 68 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,512 That's why she got fired. 69 00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,389 I thought she got fired for giving him angel dust. 70 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,058 Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade. 71 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,393 oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess. 72 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:07,354 Anyway, dude, this is serious. 73 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,938 I need to hurry up and have sex with somebody 74 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,815 before people find out and I'm humiliated. 75 00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,776 You're right. We gotta find a buyer. 76 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,027 Fresh penis! 77 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,153 Get your fresh penis here! 78 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,529 Ted, Jesus Christ! 79 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,531 This penis used to belong to a little old lady 80 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,075 who only fucked it on Sundays! 81 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,493 Still has that new penis smell! 82 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,619 Will you shut up? 83 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,162 All right, I'm just trying to help. 84 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,003 Okay, what about Talia? 85 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,381 Talia Winthrop is not having sex with you. 86 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,548 Hey, you don't know that. 87 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,258 You ever seen the guys she dates, Johnny? 88 00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,510 They're brooding degenerates. 89 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,053 They paint their nails. 90 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,097 Is that what you want to do? You want to paint your nails? 91 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,390 I could paint my nails. 92 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,891 Oh, ok--oh, you want to be nail-painting guy? 93 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,102 Okay, get ready to never be funny. 94 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,311 No more jokes. 95 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,688 You never get to make a joke again. 96 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:50,605 Why not? 97 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,357 Nail-paint guy is very serious. 98 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,733 If you're on a cruise and you spot 99 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,568 the captain bringing a lady passenger 100 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,195 back to his cabin, what do you say? 101 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,530 Well, you say, "Thar she blows." 102 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,240 No, you don't. You say, "Good for them." 103 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,076 You say, "Everyone deserves love in this fucked-up world," 104 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,327 'cause you got painted nails. 105 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,954 Wait, can I--can I say, "Shiver me timbers"? 106 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,330 No, you cannot. No jokes. 107 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,456 Only finger colors. 108 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,584 Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think 109 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,253 one of your college friends would be willing 110 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,838 to have sex with John? 111 00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:16,214 Yeah, every lit major wants 112 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:18,299 to have sex with a teenager on his Star Wars sheets. 113 00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,719 Oh, and a bad relationship with her father is a plus. 114 00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:21,886 You got any friends like that? 115 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,763 Okay, why are you asking me this? 116 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,849 'Cause I'm the last virgin in my class. 117 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,100 Come on, your friends are always 118 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,226 trying to do good in the world. 119 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,561 How about one of 'em takes a break 120 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,438 from feeding the hungry to fuck the desperate? 121 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,440 Yeah, no. I'm not helping you. 122 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,442 God, I'm pathetic. 123 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,485 Ah, come on. There's a lot of cool virgins. 124 00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,779 The Flying Nun, 125 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,407 Richie Rich, 126 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,075 the Lincoln Memorial... 127 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:47,537 That yearbook. 128 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,330 I've never had sex, 129 00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,749 never had a girlfriend. 130 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,667 Fuck, I've never even kissed anybody. 131 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,336 You kissed Michael Dukakis 132 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:55,628 at that parade when you were nine. 133 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,255 Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me. 134 00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,050 It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper. 135 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,426 Look, don't worry, Johnny. 136 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,053 There's a lot of alleys in Boston. 137 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,763 One of them's gotta have a glory hole. 138 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:07,515 And if it doesn't, we're going to Worcester. 139 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,520 Look at all these welfare queens. 140 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,564 See, tha-that's the problem with this country. 141 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,316 Everybody expects everything handed to them 142 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,318 on a silver platter. 143 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,527 Hey, guys. 144 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,030 Um, can I talk to you about something? 145 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,323 You want a tuna sandwich? 146 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,824 No, I'm--I'm okay. 147 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,911 it's about John. 148 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:32,999 Uh, I think he might be on the verge of-- 149 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,252 Well, I--I think he's interested 150 00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:38,630 in becoming sexually active. 151 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,341 What do you mean? 152 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:45,178 Well, I don't really know how I can be clearer than that. 153 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,848 Um, have you guys ever talked to John a-about sex? 154 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,142 Course not. He's only 16. 155 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,311 Talking about sex is rude. 156 00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,689 So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher 157 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,565 and a horny teddy bear? 158 00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:58,608 I mean, how do you expect him to learn 159 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,151 what he needs to know? 160 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,529 When you get drafted, they show you a film. 161 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,449 Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation, 162 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,617 but it's really important. 163 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,702 Tony Randall was in it. 164 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,787 You're absolutely right, Blaire. 165 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,706 You know what I'm gonna do? 166 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,583 I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth from "The Globe," 167 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,669 and I'll slide it under his door. 168 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,421 Guys, there's nothing shameful 169 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:20,839 about human sexuality. 170 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,048 You've never been in a strip club 171 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,175 when the lights come on. 172 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,720 And neither have I. 173 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,513 Matty, this isn't a joke, okay? 174 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:29,889 He needs to know this stuff. 175 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,642 Look, I-I'll talk to him when the time is right. 176 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:33,810 And I'm telling you, 177 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,146 as somebody who knows him really well, 178 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,647 it's the right time. 179 00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,149 Okay, I think you're trying to avoid 180 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:40,400 an uncomfortable conversation, 181 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,235 and honestly, that's selfish of you. 182 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,320 All I'm trying to do is eat my lunch here. 183 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,780 Jesus. 184 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,365 Your period coming in or something? 185 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,201 I--what? 186 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,037 - Forget it. - Coming in? 187 00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:53,747 Like it's my fucking adult teeth? 188 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,540 - Forget I brought it up. - Fuck, it sounds like 189 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,250 you need the talk, not him. 190 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,627 Do you have any idea how a period actually works? 191 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,046 I know enough. 192 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,422 No one's ever explained it to you, have they? 193 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,840 I tried once, 194 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,301 but Matty said it was too close to the holidays. 195 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,011 Oh, my God. Aunt Suze, 196 00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,888 think about your son, all right? 197 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,264 Don't you want John to grow up 198 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,266 to be a sexually healthy adult? 199 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,477 Blaire, language. 200 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,354 My parents never talked to me about sex. 201 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,148 I figured it all out on my own, and I'm doing just fine. 202 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,527 We'll talk to John. 203 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,161 Come in. 204 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,288 John? 205 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,623 Yeah? 206 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,832 Are you alone? 207 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,250 Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went 208 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,543 to the store to get Doritos. 209 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,921 Oh, we have Doritos here at the house, honey. 210 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:45,131 - We do? - Oh, yeah, always. 211 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,883 Oh, that's right. We're trash. 212 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,635 John, your father and I, 213 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:52,597 we want to talk to you about something. 214 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:55,183 It's a private thing. 215 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,184 What is it? 216 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,190 John, 217 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:08,530 sometimes when two grown-ups are married, 218 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:11,157 and they're in a bed, 219 00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,535 and it's nighttime, 220 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:17,706 they get this funny feeling in their bathing suit areas. 221 00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,499 Jesus Christ, Susan! 222 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,583 It's like this, John. 223 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,127 Men and women have different parts, 224 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,587 and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. 225 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,214 Just give the motor a minute to warm up. 226 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:28,008 If you gun it, you're gonna blow a gasket, 227 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,218 seize up, and you're looking at minimum a grand 228 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,261 for a new engine block. 229 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,179 That's sex. 230 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,597 Fuck me. 231 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,687 John. 232 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:50,697 Someday, when you're older, 233 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:54,034 you're gonna have your first time, 234 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,703 and it should be special, honey. 235 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,912 Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom. 236 00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:00,457 I want it to be better than my first time. 237 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,416 God, no, please don't-- 238 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,044 It was 1974. 239 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,130 And your father and I were staying at a Howard Johnson's 240 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:11,509 off the turnpike, and things were moving quickly, 241 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:15,388 when suddenly there was a news bulletin on the TV. 242 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,183 Nixon had resigned. 243 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:21,811 Oh, your father, he was so distracted 244 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,772 and just so agitated and-- 245 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,482 Mom, really, you don't have to do this. 246 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,151 I tried to get him back into bed, but he wouldn't. 247 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,403 He was too upset. He just kept yelling, 248 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,406 "The hippies have won! The hippies have won! 249 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,076 They've won! They've won!" 250 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,121 I hope this helped. 251 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,928 This fucking resin's giving me a headache. 252 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,638 Can't you call your guy? 253 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,390 Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat. 254 00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,391 Ah, shit. 255 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,478 Teddy, what if I'm a virgin forever? 256 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,521 I mean, what do I do? 257 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,064 Look, 258 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,816 I know the glory hole thing didn't work out, 259 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,734 but at least we got to see the city. 260 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,194 We met that friendly homeless guy 261 00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,154 who taught us a lesson and then died. 262 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,573 Yeah, but I mean, like, what if this is my future? 263 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,033 Well, if it is, you just gotta learn 264 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,952 to live with the embarrassment. 265 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,954 Yeah, I mean, it could be worse. 266 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,997 I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls 267 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,457 and had to go to the hospital. 268 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,167 - What? - Yeah. 269 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,961 Yeah. I mean, that's humiliation. 270 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,755 Like--like, Mr. Belvedere from the TV show? 271 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:31,881 Yeah. Yeah, man. 272 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,008 He was riding in a convertible 273 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,217 during the Hollywood Christmas parade, 274 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,428 fell backwards, crushed his own balls. 275 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,013 Jesus. 276 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,933 Would you rather have that happen to you at a parade 277 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:45,186 or what happened to JFK happen to you at a parade? 278 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,646 Oh, God, I honestly don't know. 279 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,981 Yeah, that's a tough one, right? 280 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,232 That's a really tough one. That's, like, one of 281 00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,316 the hardest would-you-rathers I've ever heard. 282 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,484 I know. That's, like, a brainteaser. 283 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,652 God, I'm too high to think about that. 284 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,154 Yeah, it's a tough one. 285 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,409 Okay, all right, fuck this. 286 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,994 We gotta get some real weed. 287 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,996 Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt? 288 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,247 What, like, smoking-hot Sheila? 289 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,291 Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before. 290 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,710 She sent us to that dealer who turned out to be Blaire. 291 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,045 Oh, yeah, that wasn't good. 292 00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,422 Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said. 293 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:13,506 Be careful what you wish... 294 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,841 Agh, my heart. 295 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,885 - Yeah. - Yeah, he died. 296 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,649 Oh. Hey. 297 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,692 Hey. 298 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,860 Ted, right? 299 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:34,903 Yeah, that's right. 300 00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,863 Uh, hey, is your sister here? 301 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,823 Uh, yeah. 302 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,326 Sheila, you got company! 303 00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:42,494 See you later. 304 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,541 John? 305 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,001 Oh. Hi, Bethany. 306 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,753 Hi. How's it going? 307 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:52,962 Uh, it's going good. 308 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,673 My, uh-- my teddy bear's upstairs 309 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:55,674 buying drugs from your sister. 310 00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,217 Ah, nice. 311 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,681 Wh--sex ed class was weird the other day. 312 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,057 Oh, yeah, it was super weird. 313 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,642 Yeah, I still can't get the image 314 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,853 of Mr. Maynard putting a condom on a banana out of my head. 315 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,355 Oh, yeah, I know, right? Like-- 316 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,357 like, can you imagine, like, being a banana, 317 00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:15,026 and--and, like, you get picked, and then you get put on a boat, 318 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,277 and then you get put into the market, 319 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,363 and--and you're thinking the whole time, like, 320 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,408 oh, I hope I get to be made into, like, a cream pie 321 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,994 or, like, used as a phone for humor. 322 00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,413 And then you're just sitting in our class, 323 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,289 pretending to be a dick. 324 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:30,792 Well, I-I gotta go. 325 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:31,918 Oh, okay, yeah, for sure. 326 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,003 - Yeah. - Yeah. Good to see you. 327 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,088 See you later. 328 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,506 You promise this is just for you, right? 329 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,591 'Cause I don't want to get busted for enabling. 330 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,386 Nope, just me and the rest of the guys in the doo-wop group. 331 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,930 Those guys need a buzz to feel the music, you know. 332 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,265 Me, I'm good when I'm straight. 333 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,808 That's why I'm always the one talking 334 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,101 to management about payment. 335 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,394 You know, anything logistic like that, 336 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:50,687 it always falls on my-- - Yeah, yeah. 337 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:51,813 You looking for something mellow 338 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,939 or something more potent? 339 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:53,982 Well, my last guy gave me 340 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,066 something that was pretty good. 341 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,526 It was called Confident Gorilla. 342 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,278 You got any of that? - I don't think so, 343 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,740 but I just got this new batch called Heartbeat Fingers. 344 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,409 Ah, yeah, no, that--no, tha-that doesn't sound so good. 345 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,410 Uh, uh, what else? 346 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,536 Uh, let me look. 347 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,622 So, Sheila, 348 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,042 no offense, but you ever think about doing something 349 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,544 about that god-awful name? 350 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,507 Got it. 351 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,592 Oh, hell yeah. 352 00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:21,968 Yeah, by the way, just FYI, 353 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,970 Sheila is her dead mother's name, 354 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,972 so we're not allowed to shop here anymore. 355 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,891 Oh, man, Kafka Trip? 356 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,142 Isn't this the stuff that made me think 357 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,894 the Land O'Lakes lady was mad at me? 358 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:32,479 Well, she only had a few other batches. 359 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:36,232 Uh, Heartbeat Fingers, Bathroom Mirror Reckoning, 360 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:39,152 What Was That, and Why Won't The Pee Start. 361 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,653 - Yikes. - All right, go on. 362 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,780 Put it in your bag. 363 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,156 Hey! 364 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,200 Hey, we need that pot, you motherfucker! 365 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,955 Get off me! 366 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,878 Jesus, nice save! 367 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,421 Man, fuck that guy. 368 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,215 We should call the fucking cops. 369 00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:03,301 Yeah, maybe--maybe under the circumstances, no. 370 00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:05,178 Oh, my God! Are you okay? 371 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,639 Oh, hey, Bethany. 372 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,265 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. 373 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,018 I can't believe you did that. That was so cool! 374 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,812 No, I was just reacting in the moment. 375 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,896 It's not that big a deal. 376 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,023 No, that took guts. 377 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,693 You're, like, kind of awesome. 378 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,653 Well, you know, when you're addicted to a substance, 379 00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:23,613 you can do anything you put your mind to. 380 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:27,534 I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon, 381 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:33,164 but after that, would you maybe want to hang out? 382 00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:36,876 Maybe see a movie or get food or whatever? 383 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,796 Yeah. Yeah, sure. 384 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:40,964 Want to pick me up at 7:00? 385 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,590 Definitely. 386 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,801 Cool. 387 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,052 See ya. 388 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,557 Holy shit, I got a date. 389 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,558 A date? 390 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,059 Johnny, look at the big picture. 391 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,894 This is your chance to have sex. 392 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,937 What, you think so? 393 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,230 She called you "cool." 394 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,857 Chicks have sex with cool guys. 395 00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:00,233 Yeah. Yeah, maybe. 396 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,901 Fuck "maybe." Trust me on this. 397 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,696 We are gonna make sure you don't blow this opportunity. 398 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,197 And I will guide you. 399 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,867 I will be... 400 00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,744 Your Master Yoda. 401 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:11,995 I mean, I guess I could try. 402 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,247 Screw or screw not. There is no try. 403 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,915 Now, let's get you some exercise. 404 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,709 Run, Johnny, run! Run! 405 00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:20,670 "Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force, 406 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,088 but beware the dark side." 407 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,382 I mean, unless she says it's okay. 408 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:35,143 Are we sure about this? 409 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:36,353 Look, you gotta have condoms 410 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,812 locked and loaded on your date. 411 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,356 When you get--well, you know, 412 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,816 maybe not loaded, obviously, but you gotta be ready. 413 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,985 There's a lot of options. I don't know what to pick. 414 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,696 Well, which one speaks to you? 415 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,198 Maybe these? 416 00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,657 "Ribbed for her pleasure"? 417 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,785 Good choice. And you want to know a trick? 418 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,788 You turn it inside out and steal the pleasure. 419 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,039 You can do that? 420 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:57,123 Oh, yeah, she'll be like, 421 00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:58,416 where's the pleasure? 422 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,543 And you'll be like, uh, uh, uh, I don't know. 423 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,545 Uh, I didn't know there was any pleasure. 424 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,881 Can I help you young men pick out a condom? 425 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,466 Uh, no. 426 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,385 Act-actually, we were-- we were just leaving. 427 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,761 Oh, please don't go. 428 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,554 One of the joys of my job is pairing 429 00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:13,306 the right young man with the right condom. 430 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,392 Oh, that's... normal. 431 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,560 Well, I don't really know what I want. 432 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,187 Well, tell me about the girl. 433 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,898 Um, she's got medium brown hair, 434 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,108 average height. 435 00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,776 I-I think she might be on the swim team. 436 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,695 I see. Jewish? 437 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,113 I don't think so. 438 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,115 Well, that rules these out. 439 00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,533 What about community activism? 440 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:32,867 Does she do any charity work? 441 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,120 I--I honestly don't know. 442 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,289 Why don't you try a Ramses? 443 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,334 Sturdy, solid, made for all kinds of weather, 444 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,628 can withstand over 300 pounds of torque. 445 00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:46,047 Oh, Johnny, how many pounds of torque were you gonna do? 446 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,841 Uh, thank you. 447 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,175 I just want to say, I've been watching 448 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,427 you shop here for years. 449 00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,429 I've been waiting for this day. 450 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,890 Frankly, I thought it would come a little sooner, but... 451 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,434 Congratulations. 452 00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,185 I need an adult! I need an adult! 453 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,478 It's okay. It's all right, Johnny. 454 00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:01,688 It's all right. Look, uh, here you go, buddy. 455 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:02,689 Keep the extra. 456 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:03,982 Hey! You! 457 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,316 Get away from that kid! 458 00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,570 Now, how can I help you? 459 00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,952 Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this. 460 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:17,203 This feels weird. 461 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,997 Look, you have trouble taking off her bra, 462 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,123 she's gonna know you're a virgin. 463 00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:21,249 Shit, really? 464 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:22,208 Trust me, all right? 465 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,710 Now take it off. 466 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,795 Okay. 467 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,047 What are you doing? 468 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,131 Well, I'm not gonna make it easy for you. 469 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,132 You gotta work for it. 470 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,508 Jesus. 471 00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,304 Jesus Christ, Teddy, just let me do the clasp. 472 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,680 Oh, no, you gotta earn it. 473 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,016 All right, now let's pretend you're a randy executive 474 00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,684 and I'm your secretary. Go. 475 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,145 Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennett, control yourself! 476 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,814 For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett, you're a married man! 477 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,107 Teddy, come on! 478 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,484 Who's Teddy? I'm Debra. 479 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,361 I just moved to the big city 480 00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:50,945 with nothing but a suitcase full of dreams 481 00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:53,073 and an associate's degree from Katharine Gibbs. 482 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,908 Uh, hi. 483 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,618 What the hell are you doing in my bra? 484 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:59,120 The question is, what am I still doing in your bra. 485 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,830 Johnny? 486 00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,624 I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt, 487 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,167 and I'm-- 488 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,002 I'm practicing in case we have sex. 489 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,505 Practicing what? 490 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,382 I want her to think I'm experienced, 491 00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,258 you know, like I've done it a lot. 492 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,635 Okay. 493 00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:16,680 Well, I do have some thoughts on the topic. 494 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,683 Uh, one, whoever this girl is, 495 00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:20,975 she's not gonna want to have sex with you 496 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,644 if she thinks that's all you're interested in. 497 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:25,980 And two, she's definitely not gonna be into it if she thinks 498 00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,565 you've been sleeping around with other girls. 499 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,359 Wait, so I can't want to have sex with her? 500 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:30,694 No, you just-- 501 00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,737 eh, you can't want it too much, you know? 502 00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,240 Okay, well, what's the right amount to want it? 503 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,741 Just be yourself. 504 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:37,659 Okay? 505 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:38,993 The rest will happen naturally. 506 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,371 Yeah, if I may count it, John has been himself 507 00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:44,833 for 16 years and raked in exactly zero vagina. 508 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,876 Am I getting that number right, John, zero? 509 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,545 Yeah, yeah, zero. 510 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,505 I think-- 511 00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:52,007 I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way. 512 00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:54,759 That is a very self-destructive sentence. 513 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,053 Blaire, please, you're disrupting a teachable moment. 514 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,221 Fuck it. 515 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,222 Whatever, I tried. 516 00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:00,724 Just give me my bra back. 517 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,854 Now you know! 518 00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691 Teddy, we're missing something here. 519 00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:10,817 What? 520 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,402 How am I even supposed to get to the sex 521 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,029 if she doesn't have a good time? 522 00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:16,114 I mean, I haven't even planned the fucking date. 523 00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:17,699 Johnny, you are gonna take her 524 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,576 on the best date of her life. 525 00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,744 What do you mean? How? 526 00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:22,454 Your teddy bear's got you covered. 527 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,419 Hey, Bethany. 528 00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,212 This is for you. 529 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:32,714 Ted? 530 00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:33,590 What's this? 531 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,592 Your attire for the evening. 532 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,219 Wh--I-I'm wearing my outfit for the evening. 533 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,220 Where's John? 534 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,347 He awaits you 535 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,557 on your flying carpet. 536 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,661 Oh, John, I-I can't believe you did this. 537 00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:06,081 Yeah, well, it's our first date. 538 00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,500 I wanted to make it special. 539 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,878 I have sort of a confession to make. 540 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,380 What is it? 541 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,090 I still haven't seen "Aladdin." 542 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,467 Aw, man. Are you serious? 543 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,219 I thought, like, every girl loved that movie. 544 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,679 My friends love it. 545 00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,931 I have kind of weird taste in movies. 546 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,349 Like what? 547 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,433 It's kind of embarrassing. 548 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,976 No, you gotta tell me now. 549 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:30,772 Well, there's this really good bad movie 550 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:33,149 from the early '80s called "Flash Gordon." 551 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,402 No fuckin' way! 552 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,528 You've seen "Flash Gordon"? 553 00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:37,946 Oh, only, like, a thousand times! 554 00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,447 Of course. It's my favorite fucking movie. 555 00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:40,657 - You're just saying that. - No, no, no. 556 00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,034 "Who are you? Flash Gordon. 557 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,452 Quarterback, New York Jets." 558 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,038 I love that! And when Princess Aura's like, 559 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:49,290 "Father! Damn you, Father!" 560 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,543 Oh, man, is that a four-pack-a-day voice or what? 561 00:20:51,543 --> 00:20:53,420 Dude, those lungs are working overtime. 562 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,879 Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like, 563 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,340 "That must be one hell of a planet you men come from." 564 00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,341 And Flash says... 565 00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,884 "Not too bad." 566 00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:00,927 Oh, my God. 567 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,637 Holy shit. 568 00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,348 I have never met a girl who liked that movie. 569 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,809 Well, now you have. 570 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,231 Oh, shit! 571 00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:21,364 Oh, my God! 572 00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,241 Jesus Christ, are you guys okay? 573 00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,701 I think so. 574 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,161 Johnny, Johnny, you all right? 575 00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:27,287 Talk to me! 576 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,914 Teddy? 577 00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,041 Did I sex? 578 00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,500 You sure did, buddy. 579 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,879 You sexed real good. 580 00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,555 You know, you're lucky you weren't more hurt. 581 00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:46,890 How are you feeling now? 582 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,850 Not too bad, actually. My arm is a little-- 583 00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:50,018 No, him. 584 00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:51,102 Oh, right, yeah. 585 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,228 I'm okay. 586 00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,230 Uh, you know, it doesn't hurt that much. 587 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:57,067 Uh, doctor, I-I really have no idea how this happened. 588 00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:59,152 You know, we were both sitting inside the car, 589 00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:00,487 and we had our seatbelts on, 590 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:01,863 you know, as is required by law-- 591 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:04,324 Son, this isn't my first night in the ER. 592 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:06,159 I saw the carpet burns. 593 00:22:06,159 --> 00:22:09,412 I know when kids have been "A Whole New World-ing." 594 00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:11,039 I curse the day that movie came out. 595 00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:13,083 All right. You're gonna be okay. 596 00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,542 There's no concussion. 597 00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:17,087 But I need you to get some rest for the next few days. 598 00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:18,421 And stay off cars. 599 00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:20,674 Okay. Thanks. 600 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,222 Listen, I'm-- I'm sorry about tonight. 601 00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:28,223 You know, it was stupid. 602 00:22:28,223 --> 00:22:29,891 No, it wasn't. 603 00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:32,727 It was romantic and thoughtful. 604 00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:34,104 Wait, so you're not mad? 605 00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:35,397 No. 606 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,775 I like you--a lot. 607 00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,860 Okay, well, do you maybe want to go 608 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,404 on an inside-the-car date sometime? 609 00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:45,240 I have a better idea. 610 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,867 I was supposed to go to the prom with Danny Hirsh, 611 00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,328 but his acne has reached a point 612 00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:52,330 where I need to take action. 613 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:54,499 Would you maybe want to go? 614 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792 Yeah. 615 00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:57,127 Yeah, yeah, of course. 616 00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,129 Cool. 617 00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:02,799 I'm actually kind of surprised you don't have a date already. 618 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:05,010 Although I guess I haven't seen you 619 00:23:05,010 --> 00:23:06,678 around school with a girlfriend. 620 00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:09,347 Oh, John's had lots of girlfriends. 621 00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:10,557 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 622 00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,017 Oh, yeah. You're looking at a guy 623 00:23:12,017 --> 00:23:14,477 with a whole lot of experience... 624 00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:15,687 with fucking. 625 00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:16,730 Right, Johnny? 626 00:23:16,730 --> 00:23:18,940 Uh--uh, yeah. 627 00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:21,359 Yeah, I'm still sore from yesterday, you know? 628 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,237 Yeah, a whole lot of-- whole lot of pounds of torque. 629 00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:25,572 Trust me, 630 00:23:25,572 --> 00:23:27,574 this guy knows his way around a woman. 631 00:23:27,574 --> 00:23:29,034 You know what they call him at school? 632 00:23:29,034 --> 00:23:30,493 The Ladyboy. 633 00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:32,537 He's that seasoned. 634 00:23:32,537 --> 00:23:34,539 Sorry, we need this room. 635 00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:37,083 We got another one. 636 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:39,336 Goddamn movie. 637 00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:44,424 Guess what? 638 00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:48,720 One of the eggs had two yolks. 639 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,056 I can't wait to get invited to a party. 640 00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:52,515 I have small talk. 641 00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:56,019 Well, you know, uh, Johnny also has some good news. 642 00:23:56,019 --> 00:23:57,937 - Aw, shut up, man. - No, no, no. 643 00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,065 No, no, no, we're doing this. I'm proud of you, man. 644 00:24:00,065 --> 00:24:02,859 Our boy has been invited to the prom. 645 00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:04,402 - What? 646 00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:05,779 Are you serious? - Wait a minute. 647 00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:07,322 Wait a minute. Invited? 648 00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:08,656 She invited you? 649 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,575 - Yeah. - See that, Susan? 650 00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:12,160 Still think the Clintons are harmless? 651 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,037 Times are changing, Matty. You gotta keep up. 652 00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:15,497 Oh, John! 653 00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:18,500 I'm so happy for you. 654 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,210 Who's the lucky girl? 655 00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,753 Bethany Borgwardt. 656 00:24:21,753 --> 00:24:24,130 Wait, the--the girl from the other night? 657 00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:24,923 The one with the-- 658 00:24:24,923 --> 00:24:26,174 The bra lady, yeah. 659 00:24:26,174 --> 00:24:28,468 Guess somebody gave him some good advice. 660 00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:31,680 Well, I'm very surprised. 661 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,808 Uh, I guess, good luck. 662 00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:36,559 All right, I gotta go to work. 663 00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:37,686 I'll see you later. 664 00:24:37,686 --> 00:24:38,728 Don't forget your lunch, honey. 665 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,816 Take the fruit out! 666 00:24:42,816 --> 00:24:44,526 I can't be seen at work with a plum! 667 00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:45,819 Why? 668 00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:47,612 There's fiber in here, hon. 669 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,781 You haven't made caca yet. 670 00:24:49,781 --> 00:24:51,658 Hey, Blaire, you know, since Johnny's got a date, 671 00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:52,867 how about you and me go to the prom? 672 00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:54,536 Yeah, no thanks. 673 00:24:54,536 --> 00:24:55,578 Why not? 674 00:24:55,578 --> 00:24:56,830 A high school prom? 675 00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:58,289 Been there, done that. 676 00:24:58,289 --> 00:24:59,791 No booze, no thanks. 677 00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:01,167 Ah, come on. Don't leave me hanging! 678 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,752 Johnny's gonna be off getting laid. 679 00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:03,712 I don't want to be stuck talking 680 00:25:03,712 --> 00:25:04,879 to a bunch of wiener bags. 681 00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,006 Don't you think you're being 682 00:25:06,006 --> 00:25:07,632 a little overconfident about this? 683 00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:09,676 I mean, he just started dating this girl. 684 00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:10,802 Yeah, but it's-- 685 00:25:10,802 --> 00:25:12,095 it's going really good, Blaire. 686 00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,763 We had a great time on our first date. 687 00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:14,973 Even the hospital was fun. 688 00:25:14,973 --> 00:25:16,766 Yeah, they're gonna fuck for sure. 689 00:25:16,766 --> 00:25:19,602 I mean, unless, you know, the timing's off. 690 00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:20,603 What do you mean? 691 00:25:20,603 --> 00:25:21,980 Well, I mean, you know, if-- 692 00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:24,149 if she's gotta make her period. 693 00:25:24,149 --> 00:25:25,900 - What? - You know, if it's 694 00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:27,193 that time of the week. 695 00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:29,946 Okay, so what? So what if she gets her period? 696 00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,948 Well, like, you can't have sex then, right? 697 00:25:31,948 --> 00:25:34,200 Like, I heard that if you have sex 698 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,785 while a girl's doing her period, 699 00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:38,079 then--then you could go back in time. 700 00:25:38,079 --> 00:25:40,665 I think I just went back in time. 701 00:25:40,665 --> 00:25:42,334 Does any male in this house 702 00:25:42,334 --> 00:25:45,795 actually even fucking know how it works? 703 00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:48,631 Well, do you? 704 00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:50,050 - I-I do not. - I actually 705 00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:51,051 have no idea, no. - Yeah. 706 00:25:51,051 --> 00:25:52,218 - Yeah. - Ugh. Okay. 707 00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:53,887 I actually was always kind of curious. 708 00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:55,638 There's, like, a-- a little tube, right? 709 00:25:55,638 --> 00:25:57,098 Yes, a tampon. 710 00:25:57,098 --> 00:25:58,516 Oh, yeah, I know that word. 711 00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,226 Is a crampon also something? 712 00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,062 A crampon is used for rock climbing. 713 00:26:02,062 --> 00:26:03,688 It's got nothing to do with periods. 714 00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:05,815 It's weird that it has the word 715 00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:06,858 "cramp" in there though, yeah? 716 00:26:06,858 --> 00:26:08,276 Two completely different things. 717 00:26:08,276 --> 00:26:09,486 But you can see why I thought-- 718 00:26:09,486 --> 00:26:10,570 Okay, you want to make jokes, 719 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,488 or you want to fucking learn something? 720 00:26:11,488 --> 00:26:12,822 I wasn't making a joke! 721 00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:14,282 I didn't know about the rock climbing! God! 722 00:26:14,282 --> 00:26:15,533 How's it work? 723 00:26:15,533 --> 00:26:16,826 Give me your best guess. 724 00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:19,537 You put the tampon inside. 725 00:26:19,537 --> 00:26:21,581 Genius, yes. How? 726 00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:23,166 Y-you swallow it. 727 00:26:23,166 --> 00:26:27,087 You use the applicator to insert it into the vagina, 728 00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,673 and then you remove the applicator by pulling it out. 729 00:26:29,673 --> 00:26:31,633 And this happens all the time? 730 00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:33,134 Once a month for just a few days. 731 00:26:33,134 --> 00:26:34,678 Is it shorter in February? 732 00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:35,845 You want to get fucking wet? 733 00:26:35,845 --> 00:26:37,222 No, no, no. No, I'm good, I'm good. 734 00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:41,726 Look, I know you guys think you're pretty smart. 735 00:26:41,726 --> 00:26:47,357 But maybe you're not as ready for sex as you think you are. 736 00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:54,406 Hello? 737 00:26:54,406 --> 00:26:55,865 John, it's Bethany. 738 00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:57,617 Oh, hey, Bethany. 739 00:26:57,617 --> 00:26:59,703 Yeah, we were, uh--we were just talking about the prom. 740 00:26:59,703 --> 00:27:00,704 I'm really excited. 741 00:27:00,704 --> 00:27:02,080 What time should I pick you up? 742 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,750 Yeah, about that, I've been thinking, 743 00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:09,379 maybe it's better if we go separately. 744 00:27:09,379 --> 00:27:11,172 Wait--wait, what? Why? 745 00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:14,342 I just think you might be a little bit too, um, 746 00:27:14,342 --> 00:27:16,219 experienced for me. 747 00:27:16,219 --> 00:27:17,679 No, but-- 748 00:27:17,679 --> 00:27:19,055 Come back to bed, Johnny! 749 00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,890 I'm one of your many satisfied 750 00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:22,100 - sexual partners! - Stop! 751 00:27:22,100 --> 00:27:23,059 What? He's gonna thank me. 752 00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:25,061 - No, he's not! - Shh! 753 00:27:25,061 --> 00:27:26,980 Hey, uh, can we talk about this? 754 00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:28,648 I'm sure you've got lots of other girls 755 00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:29,983 who'd love to go with you. 756 00:27:29,983 --> 00:27:31,818 Maybe you ask one of them. 757 00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,278 Sorry. 758 00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,450 She dumped me. 759 00:27:38,450 --> 00:27:39,868 What? 760 00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:43,288 Yeah, it's--it's over. 761 00:27:43,288 --> 00:27:44,497 No, it's not. 762 00:27:44,497 --> 00:27:46,124 We are gonna do what they do in the movies. 763 00:27:46,124 --> 00:27:48,126 Go over there tonight, stand on her lawn, 764 00:27:48,126 --> 00:27:50,462 and declare your love for all the world to hear. 765 00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:51,463 Yeah. 766 00:27:54,299 --> 00:27:56,259 Sorry about that, Officer. Thank you so much. 767 00:27:56,259 --> 00:27:57,927 Our apologies. Won't happen again. 768 00:27:57,927 --> 00:27:59,596 Wow, that was so not good. 769 00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:02,098 Yeah, her dad really did not care that you love her. 770 00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:03,892 I can't believe I listened to you. 771 00:28:03,892 --> 00:28:05,435 You fucked this whole thing up, Teddy! 772 00:28:05,435 --> 00:28:07,729 It's okay, Johnny. We can still salvage this. 773 00:28:07,729 --> 00:28:09,856 All right, there's gonna be a lot of girls at the prom. 774 00:28:09,856 --> 00:28:11,149 We're gonna get you a fake chest. 775 00:28:11,149 --> 00:28:12,108 We'll stick a sock in your pants. 776 00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:14,110 This isn't just about sex, okay? 777 00:28:14,110 --> 00:28:15,445 How many times do I have to stand here 778 00:28:15,445 --> 00:28:17,530 and tell you, I really like her? 779 00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:18,698 She's wicked cool. 780 00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:19,991 We've got a lot in common. 781 00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:22,077 Wasn't it pretty much just "Flash Gordon"? 782 00:28:22,077 --> 00:28:23,828 We could have built off that. 783 00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:24,913 Where am I gonna find another girl 784 00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:26,122 who likes that movie? 785 00:28:26,122 --> 00:28:27,123 I mean, you and me like it, 786 00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:28,416 but that's mostly 'cause of drugs. 787 00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:30,085 Okay, look, I fucked up, all right? 788 00:28:30,085 --> 00:28:31,628 But we can still have fun at the prom. 789 00:28:31,628 --> 00:28:34,464 Come on, we'll spike the punch and stuff the ballot box 790 00:28:34,464 --> 00:28:36,966 so a couple of horse-faced kids win King and Queen. 791 00:28:36,966 --> 00:28:38,009 If you want to go to the prom, 792 00:28:38,009 --> 00:28:39,844 you can do it without me. 793 00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:41,096 Johnny. 794 00:28:54,859 --> 00:28:56,569 Come on, hurry up, 795 00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,072 before I change my mind. 796 00:28:59,948 --> 00:29:01,199 Oh, my God, that's-- 797 00:29:01,199 --> 00:29:03,034 that's the tie you landed on? 798 00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:04,244 Yeah, what's wrong with it? 799 00:29:04,244 --> 00:29:05,870 You're wearing a fucking piano tie to prom. 800 00:29:05,870 --> 00:29:07,455 What are you, in an a-ha video? 801 00:29:07,455 --> 00:29:09,541 Well, you know, it's kind of hard to tie a bow tie 802 00:29:09,541 --> 00:29:10,709 when you got no fingers. 803 00:29:10,709 --> 00:29:12,377 You look great, by the way. 804 00:29:12,377 --> 00:29:14,254 See? See how easy that is, 805 00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:15,463 to give someone a compliment? 806 00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:20,301 Oh, look at you two, all dressed up! 807 00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:23,471 Oh, Matty, don't they look nice? 808 00:29:23,471 --> 00:29:25,181 - Yeah. - Blaire, you should 809 00:29:25,181 --> 00:29:27,809 wear girl clothes more often, hon. 810 00:29:27,809 --> 00:29:28,893 Thanks. 811 00:29:28,893 --> 00:29:30,520 Is John going too? 812 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,732 No, he's, uh-- he's still pretty upset. 813 00:29:33,732 --> 00:29:36,026 Oh, no, my baby. 814 00:29:36,026 --> 00:29:39,571 Matty, why don't you go talk to him? 815 00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:42,240 Go talk to John. 816 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,366 What do you mean? 817 00:29:43,366 --> 00:29:44,993 Oh, my God. Am I speaking Farsi? 818 00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:46,578 Go speak to your son. 819 00:29:46,578 --> 00:29:49,247 Do, like, a, I don't know, father-type thing. 820 00:29:49,247 --> 00:29:51,791 You know, I remember my junior prom 821 00:29:51,791 --> 00:29:54,169 and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb. 822 00:29:54,169 --> 00:29:57,297 He was so nervous, he accidentally stabbed me 823 00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,632 putting on the corsage. 824 00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:02,260 And I didn't want to make a fuss or anything like that, 825 00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:03,636 so I spent the whole night 826 00:30:03,636 --> 00:30:06,806 with this carnation stuck to my breast. 827 00:30:06,806 --> 00:30:09,476 Jesus, this fucking story again. 828 00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:11,311 I'll talk to John. 829 00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:16,191 And then I got sepsis, 830 00:30:16,191 --> 00:30:18,526 and I'm still not allowed to swim. 831 00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:24,783 Hey, Johnny, wrap it up. I need your help. 832 00:30:24,783 --> 00:30:26,076 Just started the game. 833 00:30:26,076 --> 00:30:27,243 Tough shit. 834 00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,328 I gotta load our old refrigerator 835 00:30:28,328 --> 00:30:29,329 in the back of the truck, 836 00:30:29,329 --> 00:30:30,955 dump it in the woods. 837 00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,457 It's 7:30 at night. 838 00:30:32,457 --> 00:30:34,834 Yeah. This isn't exactly legal, John. 839 00:30:34,834 --> 00:30:37,295 But I'll be damned if I'm paying for bulky-item pickup. 840 00:30:37,295 --> 00:30:39,130 Besides, it'll be fun for kids to play in. 841 00:30:39,130 --> 00:30:40,882 Can't we just do it another time? 842 00:30:40,882 --> 00:30:44,010 Why? It's not like you have anywhere to go, right? 843 00:30:46,262 --> 00:30:47,639 Dad, I know what you're doing. 844 00:30:47,639 --> 00:30:48,640 I'm not doing anything. 845 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:49,974 I just need another set of hands. 846 00:30:49,974 --> 00:30:51,309 I'm not going to prom! 847 00:30:51,309 --> 00:30:53,770 All right? I--I got dumped. 848 00:30:53,770 --> 00:30:55,188 It'll be too embarrassing. 849 00:31:01,111 --> 00:31:03,363 Life is a series of embarrassments. 850 00:31:03,363 --> 00:31:05,448 Bosses humiliating you, 851 00:31:05,448 --> 00:31:07,659 your wife nagging you all the time, 852 00:31:07,659 --> 00:31:10,078 going off to fight in the one war 853 00:31:10,078 --> 00:31:10,995 where you're the bad guy. 854 00:31:10,995 --> 00:31:12,163 I mean, fuck. 855 00:31:12,163 --> 00:31:13,665 Is this supposed to be a pep talk? 856 00:31:13,665 --> 00:31:15,834 All I'm saying is, you only get so many nights 857 00:31:15,834 --> 00:31:17,669 like this one, John. 858 00:31:17,669 --> 00:31:20,380 There are no junior proms when you're an adult. 859 00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:22,215 You miss this one, that's fucking it. 860 00:31:22,215 --> 00:31:24,134 The rest of your life is spending all day 861 00:31:24,134 --> 00:31:25,510 breaking your back, and all night 862 00:31:25,510 --> 00:31:28,805 standing at a toilet, peeing in Morse code. 863 00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,562 All right. 864 00:31:39,315 --> 00:31:41,317 There you go. 865 00:31:59,669 --> 00:32:02,422 See, this ain't so bad, right? 866 00:32:02,422 --> 00:32:05,884 Thanks to this, not the worst night of my life. 867 00:32:05,884 --> 00:32:09,637 Yeah, well, I'm having a nice time with you too. 868 00:32:09,637 --> 00:32:13,099 And the compliment-free evening continues. 869 00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:14,392 Hey, Javier! 870 00:32:14,392 --> 00:32:16,436 Ha! I know that guy. 871 00:32:16,436 --> 00:32:17,896 No one was looking at you. 872 00:32:17,896 --> 00:32:19,814 Yeah, it's just--there was-- there was the one guy. 873 00:32:19,814 --> 00:32:21,900 No, I have great eyes, and no one was looking. 874 00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:24,069 No, it's just--it's this thing we do, the two of us. 875 00:32:24,069 --> 00:32:25,737 Ah, that's so him. 876 00:32:25,737 --> 00:32:27,739 Have you made any fucking friends this year? 877 00:32:27,739 --> 00:32:29,199 Uh, not really, no. 878 00:32:32,077 --> 00:32:34,537 Shit, Ted, look. 879 00:32:36,289 --> 00:32:38,291 Hey! Hey, Johnny! 880 00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713 - Hey, John. - Hey, buddy. 881 00:32:43,713 --> 00:32:45,882 Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man. 882 00:32:45,882 --> 00:32:47,175 He was up to his old tricks. 883 00:32:47,175 --> 00:32:48,718 Shit, again? 884 00:32:48,718 --> 00:32:49,761 Man, I really gotta meet that guy. 885 00:32:49,761 --> 00:32:51,388 He sounds awesome. - I know, I-- 886 00:32:51,388 --> 00:32:53,264 fuck, he's always just leaving when you get here. 887 00:32:53,264 --> 00:32:55,266 I-I don't-- I don't know how that happens. 888 00:32:55,266 --> 00:32:58,228 Well, listen, man, I-- 889 00:32:58,228 --> 00:33:00,230 I'm really sorry for laying into you like that. 890 00:33:00,230 --> 00:33:01,856 No, man, I'm sorry. 891 00:33:01,856 --> 00:33:04,442 I fucked things up between you and Bethany. 892 00:33:04,442 --> 00:33:06,194 I should have just kept my big mouth shut 893 00:33:06,194 --> 00:33:07,570 and let you be yourself. 894 00:33:07,570 --> 00:33:09,614 No, man, it's not all your fault. 895 00:33:09,614 --> 00:33:11,741 I didn't have to listen to you. 896 00:33:11,741 --> 00:33:13,493 I made my own choices. 897 00:33:18,873 --> 00:33:21,376 I think I know how to un-fuck things. 898 00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,966 Bethany. Hi. 899 00:33:27,966 --> 00:33:30,218 John. 900 00:33:30,218 --> 00:33:32,053 Hi. 901 00:33:32,053 --> 00:33:35,390 So listen, I was wondering 902 00:33:35,390 --> 00:33:40,020 if you'd maybe give me another chance. 903 00:33:40,020 --> 00:33:43,565 John, look. 904 00:33:43,565 --> 00:33:45,108 I think you're a nice-enough guy, 905 00:33:45,108 --> 00:33:48,361 but you're not the guy for me. 906 00:33:48,361 --> 00:33:49,654 I-I'm just not interested 907 00:33:49,654 --> 00:33:51,322 in being a notch in someone's belt. 908 00:33:51,322 --> 00:33:54,200 Okay, well, that's what I'm here to tell you. 909 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,870 I've never had sex, okay? 910 00:33:56,870 --> 00:33:59,164 I'm a virgin. I-I said that I had 911 00:33:59,164 --> 00:34:00,290 because I thought it would impress you. 912 00:34:00,290 --> 00:34:01,958 It was stupid. 913 00:34:01,958 --> 00:34:04,169 So you lied to me? 914 00:34:04,169 --> 00:34:06,004 Well, yeah. 915 00:34:06,004 --> 00:34:07,255 I'm sorry. 916 00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:09,007 How do I know you're not lying now? 917 00:34:09,007 --> 00:34:10,258 I'm not. I'm not. 918 00:34:10,258 --> 00:34:11,551 I swear to God. 919 00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:16,222 And I think I can prove it. 920 00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,436 Excuse me. 921 00:34:21,436 --> 00:34:23,271 I need that mic. I got something to say. 922 00:34:23,271 --> 00:34:25,982 Sorry, it's against the rules... 923 00:34:25,982 --> 00:34:27,901 unless it's for true love. 924 00:34:27,901 --> 00:34:28,902 It is. 925 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,033 Go get her. 926 00:34:36,409 --> 00:34:37,494 Hi. Hi, every-- 927 00:34:37,494 --> 00:34:38,578 Oh, that's loud. Hi, everyone. 928 00:34:38,578 --> 00:34:40,705 Excuse me. Excuse me. 929 00:34:40,705 --> 00:34:42,707 Sorry for the interruption. I, uh, 930 00:34:42,707 --> 00:34:46,044 uh, just have a real quick question. 931 00:34:46,044 --> 00:34:48,755 Who here has had sex with me? 932 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,385 Nobody. 933 00:34:53,385 --> 00:34:54,928 You want to know why? 934 00:34:54,928 --> 00:34:57,889 Because I'm a virgin. 935 00:34:57,889 --> 00:34:59,933 I was too embarrassed to admit it until tonight, 936 00:34:59,933 --> 00:35:02,060 but it's the truth. 937 00:35:02,060 --> 00:35:03,561 And you know what? 938 00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:06,064 I bet I'm not alone. 939 00:35:06,064 --> 00:35:09,359 I bet there are more of you out there just like me, 940 00:35:09,359 --> 00:35:11,236 so let's stop being embarrassed 941 00:35:11,236 --> 00:35:13,363 and let our voices be heard. 942 00:35:13,363 --> 00:35:15,365 Who out there is a virgin? 943 00:35:23,248 --> 00:35:25,250 Nerd! 944 00:35:25,250 --> 00:35:26,835 - What the fuck? - What? He was drowning. 945 00:35:26,835 --> 00:35:28,420 No sense in me going down with him. 946 00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:46,980 Hey. Hey, John, wait up! 947 00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:53,653 I can't believe you just did that. 948 00:35:53,653 --> 00:35:55,363 Yeah, it was pretty stupid. 949 00:35:55,363 --> 00:35:57,907 Yeah, very stupid. 950 00:35:59,284 --> 00:36:01,286 But it took guts. 951 00:36:01,286 --> 00:36:02,787 Well, I mean, 952 00:36:02,787 --> 00:36:05,457 it's not like my social life could get any worse. 953 00:36:05,457 --> 00:36:08,418 Well... 954 00:36:08,418 --> 00:36:09,961 you want to know a secret? 955 00:36:09,961 --> 00:36:11,963 What? 956 00:36:11,963 --> 00:36:16,259 You're not the only person at this school who hasn't-- 957 00:36:16,259 --> 00:36:17,719 you know. 958 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:19,137 Wait. 959 00:36:19,137 --> 00:36:21,348 Wait, you're a virgin too? 960 00:36:23,641 --> 00:36:25,894 You know, I don't think I believe you. 961 00:36:25,894 --> 00:36:27,270 - What? - I think you gotta 962 00:36:27,270 --> 00:36:28,521 get up and tell the whole school. 963 00:36:28,521 --> 00:36:30,607 Yeah, no thanks. I'm not an idiot. 964 00:36:30,607 --> 00:36:32,067 Oh, you sure? Why not? 965 00:36:32,067 --> 00:36:34,235 It's a great feeling. I can't recommend it enough. 966 00:36:37,572 --> 00:36:39,324 Do you want to get out of here? 967 00:36:39,324 --> 00:36:42,827 Maybe hang at my house? 968 00:36:42,827 --> 00:36:45,580 My dad and his girlfriend are out for the night. 969 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,333 Sure. 970 00:36:50,001 --> 00:36:53,004 * And I swear 971 00:37:01,846 --> 00:37:04,057 * I swear 972 00:37:04,057 --> 00:37:06,059 I think those two might just make it. 973 00:37:06,059 --> 00:37:07,894 Yeah, I think so too. 974 00:37:09,104 --> 00:37:11,106 - Well, now what? - One of the goth kids 975 00:37:11,106 --> 00:37:12,607 in the parking lot gave me a pill. 976 00:37:12,607 --> 00:37:14,401 I got no idea what it is. You want to split it? 977 00:37:31,918 --> 00:37:34,713 What are you doing back there? 978 00:37:34,713 --> 00:37:36,923 Trying to unhook your bra. 979 00:37:36,923 --> 00:37:39,759 Well, if there was any doubt about your being a virgin... 980 00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,639 Ah! Ah, shit, all right. 981 00:37:44,639 --> 00:37:47,308 I think I tore it, and I might have fucking cut myself. 982 00:37:47,308 --> 00:37:49,310 Here, why don't I get it? 983 00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:52,147 Um, do you have a condom? 984 00:37:52,147 --> 00:37:53,314 Yeah. Yeah, a grown-up 985 00:37:53,314 --> 00:37:54,858 at the pharmacy helped me pick one out. 986 00:37:54,858 --> 00:37:55,817 What? 987 00:37:55,817 --> 00:37:57,569 Nothing. Uh, yeah. 988 00:37:57,569 --> 00:37:59,195 Yeah, I got one. 989 00:37:59,195 --> 00:38:03,950 Good, 'cause I think we should have sex. 990 00:38:03,950 --> 00:38:05,160 Really? 991 00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,329 Holy shit, Blaire was right. 992 00:38:08,329 --> 00:38:09,581 Nothing. 993 00:38:09,581 --> 00:38:12,375 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready. 994 00:38:24,512 --> 00:38:26,890 * Yes, he is 995 00:38:29,392 --> 00:38:30,727 - Oh, my God! - What? What? 996 00:38:30,727 --> 00:38:32,187 What's wrong? - Look! 997 00:38:32,187 --> 00:38:34,272 Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco 998 00:38:34,272 --> 00:38:37,150 presumed to be the vehicle of OJ Simpson. 999 00:38:37,150 --> 00:38:39,652 Now, as you can see there, it's traveling very slowly-- 1000 00:38:39,652 --> 00:38:41,196 Holy shit! 1001 00:38:41,196 --> 00:38:43,031 Yeah. Yeah, that's really something. 1002 00:38:43,031 --> 00:38:45,450 Fuck! Does this mean he actually did do it? 1003 00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:46,743 Speaking of doing it-- 1004 00:38:46,743 --> 00:38:47,952 Where do you think he's going? 1005 00:38:47,952 --> 00:38:49,788 And why are they driving so slow? 1006 00:38:49,788 --> 00:38:51,623 I'm sure the LAPD has its best men on it. 1007 00:38:51,623 --> 00:38:52,624 I mean, he must have done it, right? 1008 00:38:52,624 --> 00:38:53,833 Why else is he running? 1009 00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:55,543 Times like these, all we can really do 1010 00:38:55,543 --> 00:38:56,961 is hold each other close. - Fuck! 1011 00:38:56,961 --> 00:38:59,714 I mean, he was Nordberg in "The Naked Gun," 1012 00:38:59,714 --> 00:39:01,257 and now he might be a murderer? 1013 00:39:01,257 --> 00:39:03,968 I think Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would 1014 00:39:03,968 --> 00:39:06,096 really want us to make the most of this night. 1015 00:39:06,096 --> 00:39:09,307 And now we're hearing reports that he has a gun. 1016 00:39:09,307 --> 00:39:12,310 Oh, my God. 1017 00:39:12,310 --> 00:39:15,647 I don't think this is gonna have a happy ending. 1018 00:39:15,647 --> 00:39:17,649 No fucking shit. 1019 00:39:17,649 --> 00:39:19,317 To repeat, he is believed-- 1020 00:39:21,986 --> 00:39:25,740 It's just like what happened with my parents and Nixon. 1021 00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:27,951 Oh. Oh, my God. 1022 00:39:27,951 --> 00:39:29,828 Oh, my God, I'm my mother. 1023 00:39:29,828 --> 00:39:31,746 Well, your mother actually had sex, 1024 00:39:31,746 --> 00:39:34,541 so that comparison doesn't really work. 1025 00:39:34,541 --> 00:39:36,209 But at least you got a girlfriend now. 1026 00:39:36,209 --> 00:39:38,545 Eh, sort of. 1027 00:39:38,545 --> 00:39:40,547 Whoa, what do you mean, "sort of"? 1028 00:39:40,547 --> 00:39:42,882 Bethany's spending the summer in Italy. 1029 00:39:42,882 --> 00:39:44,134 She's leaving tomorrow. 1030 00:39:44,134 --> 00:39:45,927 Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. 1031 00:39:45,927 --> 00:39:48,388 That vagina's gonna be right where you left it. 1032 00:39:48,388 --> 00:39:49,889 - You think so? - Oh, yeah, 1033 00:39:49,889 --> 00:39:52,350 Italian guys are famous for their sexual restraint 1034 00:39:52,350 --> 00:39:54,144 and respect for women. 1035 00:39:54,144 --> 00:39:56,312 - Oh, you were saying-- - I was saying the opposite. 1036 00:39:56,312 --> 00:39:57,814 You were doing a bit. You were doing, like, 1037 00:39:57,814 --> 00:39:58,898 a bit, like an opposite thing. - I was saying the thing 1038 00:39:58,898 --> 00:40:00,066 they don't do. - You motherfucker. 1039 00:40:00,066 --> 00:40:02,027 Yeah. 1040 00:40:02,027 --> 00:40:03,987 Man, junior year was weird, huh? 1041 00:40:03,987 --> 00:40:05,989 Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it. 1042 00:40:05,989 --> 00:40:07,490 Yeah. 1043 00:40:07,490 --> 00:40:09,159 But you know what? 1044 00:40:09,159 --> 00:40:11,369 Would've sucked way worse without you, buddy. 1045 00:40:11,369 --> 00:40:12,704 Thanks, man. 1046 00:40:12,704 --> 00:40:15,040 That touches me deeply... 1047 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,916 which is what's gonna happen to Bethany in Italy. 1048 00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:18,209 Sorry. Sorry. - Oh, you motherfucker. 1049 00:40:18,209 --> 00:40:19,461 - That was the last one. - Like, seriously though? 1050 00:40:19,461 --> 00:40:20,462 I know you're hurting. That was the last one. 1051 00:40:20,462 --> 00:40:22,339 Last one. 1052 00:40:22,339 --> 00:40:24,382 I wonder what senior year's gonna be like. 1053 00:40:24,382 --> 00:40:25,884 I don't know. 1054 00:40:25,884 --> 00:40:27,719 But you know what? I say we make it great. 1055 00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:29,554 Really turn our lives around, you know? 1056 00:40:29,554 --> 00:40:31,931 Yeah. Yeah, like actually do all 1057 00:40:31,931 --> 00:40:33,933 the summer reading and shit, like, show up prepared. 1058 00:40:33,933 --> 00:40:36,019 Yeah, maybe even get a jump on our college applications. 1059 00:40:36,019 --> 00:40:38,355 Yeah. That sounds great. 1060 00:40:38,355 --> 00:40:40,106 First thing tomorrow. 1061 00:40:41,649 --> 00:40:43,610 Looks like it might rain. 1062 00:40:43,610 --> 00:40:45,236 Jesus fucking Christ! 1063 00:40:45,236 --> 00:40:47,072 Fucking shit! Why does it have to do that? 1064 00:40:47,072 --> 00:40:49,240 Oh, my God, it's so fucking scary. 1065 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:51,326 - I hate the thunder! - Fuck you, thunder! 1066 00:40:51,326 --> 00:40:53,411 Yeah, you can suck my dick! 1067 00:40:53,411 --> 00:40:54,996 Oh, my God, Teddy. 1068 00:40:54,996 --> 00:40:56,247 You thinking what I'm thinking? 1069 00:40:56,247 --> 00:40:57,791 Get the guitar.